Tag: help

Yes it took me five months to refer myself to Steps2Wellbeing. I just kept putting it off and finding an excuse to not do it. But It got to a point when I thought it really needs to be done and I need to get better. Not only for myself but for the people around me, it was effecting my relationship with my partner and also my work. Now I’m a self employed Gardener/ Landscape Garden and I work for my brothers company, working very closely with him. So my mental health was really putting a strain on not only work but with my brother too. So I bit the bullet. I came home from work, on an evening that my partner was working and I did it. The following day I had a phone call from Steps2Wellbeing to sort out an appointment. 

Two weeks later I was sat in the car ready to go in to the appointment I was not looking forward to it. I didn’t know if I was going to speak with a man or woman, I just didn’t know what to expect. So I built up all my courage and got out of the car. I start walking towards this 1940s military communications looking building thinking I was about to have a lobotomy done on me. I opened the door and it just looked like a classic NHS doctors surgery. Grey walls, Brown easy wipe benches and a reception window that slid open so you could speak to whoever was on the other side. I looked around, it seemed shut. But all the lights where on and I could hear people further into to the building talking and typing on their computers. The walls of the waiting room were covered in posters and flyers about mental health. One of the posters in big bold writing said “MENTAL HEALTH WE ALL HAVE IT”. I thought no shit Sherlock. I looked through the window to the reception to see if anyone was in there and noticed there wasn’t. I saw that there was a doorbell on the wall and a big sticker next to it saying ‘Press this if know one is here’. I felt like I was in a horror film, ‘a young man struggling with his mental health seeks to find help but when he does he finds out something deeper is going on, coming to a cinema near you its “The Counsellor”’.

Sorry about that I have a wandering imagination, anyway I press the button and this twenty something girl comes running towards the reception apologises for taking so long (she was there like five seconds after I pressed the button) and asks me for my name. She told me to take a seat and fill in one of the questionnaires that are on the stand on the table in the corner. So I do just that. I started looking over the questionnaire thing great now I’ve got to read and write, I didn’t know I would have to do that when I signed up for this. Regardless, all the questions are based on a numbering system. The first eleven questions start with the question “Over the last two weeks have you?…”, and then it asks a series of different questions that you have to rate from 0 – 3, ‘0’ being “Not At All” and ‘3’ being “Nearly Everyday”. Im not going to go into too much detail, here’s a link to where you can take a look for yourself https://www.corc.uk.net/media/1265/phq-9_selfreport.pdf and https://www.corc.uk.net/media/1211/gad-7-how-are-things.pdf .

Just as I completed the questionnaire the girl came back to the waiting room and said that she was ready for me to come through. I sat in the small office rather nervous because as you know I’m not to confident talking to a female about this type of thing. She explained what she would like for us to achieve in the appointment, which was to find out what I want to change and find the best route to go down. She made me feel really at ease very quickly by asking me questions and letting me answer in my own time. It wasn’t like she just asked me to talk about how I was feeling for half an hour we worked through it all together and she took notes as we went along. We came to the conclusion that I need to work on my anger, motivation and the way I think and act in a situation.

She then gave me two options. First option was counselling, so that would involve a one to one meeting with a counsellor talking about what has happened to me in my past looking for the root of the problem. The second option was CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy), which would be a seven week course with other people in my situation, in a class room setting learning about techniques to handle D&A. I don’t have to talk to anyone if I don’t want to and its not like an AA meeting. Personally that was the one for me. There hasn’t been anything in my past that has been really traumatic to effect me badly in anyway that would make me think I need the first option. CBT would start three weeks time and she said that to get started she would add me to a webinar that would be happen in a weeks time, that gave you the basics on starting the journey to getting better. 

By the end of the appointment I felt really good. It was really nice to be able to get it all out to someone you don’t even know. No judgments, nobody getting upset and someone that might not understand but wants to help you. I’m not say that the people that I am close to do that but I think talking to someone that doesn’t even know me, there’s something liberating about it. 

If you are putting it off like I did for a long time, I understand. But if you don’t want to feel the way do anymore. Do It. If you are in the UK go to steps2wellbeing.co.uk and refer yourself today. You will feel like a weight has been lifted.

I think I will tell you about the first time I went to someone of a professional caliber about this problem. I just want to make sure you know that at the beginning I didn’t know I was dealing with D&A, I thought it was just anger issues.

The first person I spoke to about this was my GP. I booked an appointment because I thought if im going to do this I want to find the best route, so of to the appointment I go. On the way there im thinking about how its going to go. I thought Jesus im going to go in there he’s gunna ask me what’s wrong and im gunna say im angry all the time and me and my partner get into arguments and blah blah blah, you have read this already, and also he’s just gunna tell me not to get angry anymore and to man up. I mean im 24, my parents are in there 50s, so if they had any problems when they were growing up or in there 20s, 30s or even 40s that’s what they would have probably been told.

Then I had a scenario in my head that, that was all gunna happen but instead of him telling me to man up he would send me to anger management. When I thought of the phrase anger management I kept thinking off scenes from the Adam Sandler film. Which gave me a little giggle but it just wasn’t helping. I thought this is going to go really badly.

But it didn’t, I got into the GPs office and I was happy to know that it was a man, im not being sexist I just feel more comfortable speaking to a male about this sort of stuff than a female. Also if you American you are probably wondering why I don’t know who my GP is, one I had just moved into the area and two it is so hard to get an appointment with the same GP every time you need to go. Thats England for you.

Anyway we do all the nice small talk stuff to begin with, which I like because it lets me get a read on the person im talking to. He’s an older gentleman, balding with grey hair. Typical English GP. I’ll be honest with you I thought that he would just par me off like the first scenario I thought of. But no he asked me why I was there and I explained to him what had been going on and I let it out, I mean I thought I was gunna cry at one point and im an emotional repressed 24 year old man that hasn’t cried since his 14 year old Labrador died 2 years ago and before that I can’t remember.

He asked me a lot of questions, things like when do I tend to have a short fuse? what makes me angry? And then to the more serious stuff like have I ever tried to harm myself or harm others? Have I ever harmed myself or others? Have I ever thought and or attempted to take my own life? I reply with when I’m tired, small little things for example seeing that there is a really dirty hand towel in the bathroom and instead of just putting it in the wash and getting a clean one out I get angry and lose it. And to the rest of the questions I answered no.

After talking more about the things that made me tick, he gave me two options the first was a thing called Steps2Wellbeing, an NHS service that offers a number of different types of programmes to help deal with mental health issues and the other was nothing. The only option I had was Steps2Wellbeing. Well I thought I’m going to have to do something about it and if this is my only option then that’s settled.

The doctor then said “you will have to refer yourself”. Ooh god that’s the last thing I need. the thing is to get to the point where I was speaking to someone about it was a big thing to do anyway, it’s the hardest thing to do. Now I’ve got to refer myself. This will be interesting.

So I have never written a blog or diary, so bear 🐻 with me. I have been dealing with depression for I don’t know how long and it’s only been recently that it has been brought to my attention that I am depressed, I do suffer with anxiety but not as much as depression. I also have anger issues which I think comes from the depression and anxiety. ( Small side note, I’m already fed up with writing out depression and anxiety so I will shorten it to D&A) so yeah my anger is a real issue and that’s why I started the journey to getting my self better.

Me and my partner live in the south of England in a small town, we have been together for about three years and we moved out of my parents house about six months after getting together. We moved out together when i was 21 and she was 18, I know quick, but we were younger and in love and we wanted to start a life together.

Now to get the bit you came here for. As a couple we don’t fight that often. We argue as much as any other couple. But when we argue I get very frustrated and I can’t seem to hold in my anger. (full disclosure I have never laid a finger on my partner in an aggressive way and I would never do that I think its disgusting thing to do, regardless of there gender) When my anger presents itself it tends to come out by punching a wall or slamming a door or even throwing things around the room (that no one else is in). Thats one part of the problem. I also have a tendency to go from 0-100 when a problem arises, for example if we are having a dispute and I feel that my partner has offended me or has mentioned something that I have done wrong I will then go straight to thinking that she doesn’t want to be with me anymore and I say that she is better off without me.

So in conclusion of this part our relationship is suffering because of my D&A, and that is not good in anyones books, I needed to sot it out.